Babes and Goblins: A Guide to Picking Up Chicks in Ravnica

What’s up bros and broettes? Meathook’s the name and making the most truly awesome Magic decks is the point of this game! I figured out the coolest idea for a deck ever. The thought came to me one day while I was writing a new metal song. The lyrics went like this:

I’m gonna have a Metal Canasta
Our amps are gonna blasta
We play very fast, ya!
While I drink Shasta

Except that my mom doesn’t like me drinking so much Shasta because of all the sugar, so she beckons me to stop. I tell my mom, “Metal people don’t worry about sugar, especially because they have hot babes around all the time!” She doesn’t get it, but back to the story at hand.

I was writing a new song, and that’s when I saw this card peeking through the mounds of cardboard covering my floor:

It immediately struck me- I realized what deck is almost as good as goblins… Hot babes, of course!

Ravnica: City of Babes

Now, I know that building a deck completely with hot chick cards is going to be a challenge. Luckily, there is usually a sexy babe in almost every set. Sometimes, like in the case of Goblin Gardener, the card is both simultaneously a totally wicked hot woman and a goblin! There really isn’t a way to narrow down the search for hotties, so I’ll just stick to the plane most known for woman who should probably be in a metal band: Ravnica.

The story of Ravnica is pretty simple. Lyzolda, the Blood Witch, Razia, Boros Archangel, and Savra, Queen of the Golgari got together one day and said, “We are way wicked hot; let’s make a city.” They high-fived, and in a montage to Eighties music, cleaned up the plane and added a plethora of dance clubs. Finally, there was a place in the Magic multiverse for babes to be sizzling hot.

But then Teysa, Orzhov Scion came over with the company of some dude. Of course dudes totally like wicked hot babes, so he brought his bros Szadek, Lord of Secrets, Circu, Dimir Lobotomist, and Borborygmos to come and party on the plane of Ravnica. What used to be Babedonia was totally becoming a sausage party! The city had to make all these guilds to make sure at least some of the city stayed way wicked hot.

Guys on the town looking for chicks know the perfect place was crafted by the Ravnica guilds long ago to protect the party for all of hot womankind; this place is, of course, Ladies’ Night. My mom disagrees and tells me to try eHarmony, but I’m like, “No way! Metal people don’t need the internet to find hot babes! We just go out to the party places!” (Although, I did find some matches for free; don’t tell my mom that!) Anyway, in honor of the nights especially designed for wonderfully hot women, my solely sexy sisters deck will be called Ladies’ Night.

Babe Hunting

Probably the most difficult part of making decks is picking the cards. I’d figure picking up chicks would be easy, but it’s like way hard. Take this chica, for example:

Way sexy! But every time I try and talk to her, I’m like, “Um… I don’t know what to say.” I could ask her why she is meditating but all the guys probably ask her that. So, I end up staring at a bass guitar in a shop window and by the time I’m really going to ask her, “Hey, want to get coffee sometime,” she is gone. After that, I usually get a snow cone. It’s like this card:

The hot chick got away, and I’m that sad metal looking dude in the corner. Sometimes I wish could talk to women. I would totally say, “Hey chick, I play bass in a rock band.” And they would totally be Runeboggled.

However, they usually end with dudes better looking than me, like the manly men in Congregation at Dawn. Those dudes probably bleed metal every morning, and I’m stuck in my parent’s basement with this lousy bass string. But it will totally be worth the wait in the end. My mom is so un-metal, especially when she brings us brownies, but she does have good bits of advice. Like once, she even told me, “Don’t settle for less; you don’t want to miss out on the perfect lady.”

I was like, “Mom! You are embarrassing me in front of my friends!” However, she was totally right; I met this chick walking in the Gruul district:

At first glance, I was like, “This chick is awesome! Mom, you were totally write about waiting and stuff!” Sadly soon after, the howling hottie tried to get me to join a cult where like people drank Kool-Aid, and sacrificed themselves to the mana gods or something. Why do all of the hot ones have to be crazy?

Speaking of crazy, there was the Martyred Rusalka, that weird girl who lives down the street. She stabs Pound Puppies with this pen knife. I usually try not to make eye contact with her even though she is super metal (and super hot). Finally, I can’t forget the one of my mom’s friends that hit on me at Christmas, Scorched Rusalka. I was like, “Gross!”

I guess I didn’t understand my mom at first, but I finally think I understand what she said. I can’t really settle for less than a totally hot, metal babe. I totally want a chick that gives me a Dryads Caress after a long day of rocking. In fact, she should give me four of them; that would be way awesome. But while I can’t really turn my eyes away from Gatherer of Graces and her soft hands, the snake part of the chick won’t work out. Could you imagine me with some snake chicks like the Sisters of Stone Death? While arguably very metal (gorgons rock harder than I ever could), they are probably into freaky things like:

Whereas I’m a fairly normal guy, with fairly normal tastes in women (like Angel of Despair, for example). Maybe one day I’ll get lucky and rock out with three totally wicked hot chicks like Chorus of the Conclave. However, I’ll have to worry about whether they are dudes, like the androgynous seductress hanging out with Lightning Helix or one like Elves of Deep Shadow. If I wait too long, even my grandmother’s friends will be after me:

But if I settled for less, I’d miss out on the hottest babe Magic has to offer in any set, ever. What babe could be so wicked, awesome, super, and hotter than Oriss, Samite Guardian, Serra Avenger, Jhoira of the Ghitu, and Jaya Ballard, Task Mage? A wicked hot babe dancing with goblins of course:

Now, I present to you a deck so awesome that even goblins are like, “Whoa!”

Really the key to any good deck is goblins and mountains, but chicks need other places to hang out. Usually, dudes will sit around in the same place for hours until the chick is like, “Hey, I want to go to the Sunhome.”

Then the dude is like, “Sunhome is lame.”

Chick: “What about Vitu-Ghazi?”

Dude: “I’d want to just play my game for a while.”

Chick: “What about the Rage Pits?”

Dude: “Really? You’ll go to the Rage Pits with me.”

Chick: “Anything to leave this house.”

See what I mean bro? Totally works every time!

So, It’s Totally Summary Time

Pretty much awesome decks have chicks and goblins. You want to be careful with the dudes. They might steal your chicks. Add a few mountains in the deck, and you are ready to start winning. I played this deck like fifty times last night and won all fifty of the games. Then, I found out that the game was on solitaire. No wonder the dude with Goblin Warchief avatar kept attacking me! I was like, “Bro! I play goblins too!”

So I played another game and this dude played Knight of the White Orchid. I was like, “Dude, why are your bringing bros to the party! It’s becoming a sausage fest!” Then, he played Knight Exemplar, and I said, “Bringing your own chicks, that’s cool. She’s pretty hot.” But… he finished by playing Darien, King of Kjeldor, and I gave up. Some dudes just don’t like chicks or aren’t into them or something. I totally respect the lifestyle, but why join the game with the chick deck?! HELLO!

After that, I fell asleep. I think my mom tucked me in… I woke up under the covers. That’s not very metal. Thanks, mom! Embarrass me in front of my readers!

Metal forever,


  1. I started reading this and something did not feel right…I then went into iTunes and started a playlist with Iron Maiden, KISS, blue oyster cult and Black Sabbath…then this article rocked

  2. Cool creative writing. I enjoyed. Shardfenix: Too bad I didn’t read your comment first, because I would have done the same thing if I had thought of it.