What’s up bros and broettes? Meathook’s the name and wild turkey is our tasty game. Today’s deck covers a very important time in American history: the very first Thanksgiving. Back some time ago (a couple of weeks or something), some European dudes came over to some Native American dudes’ house and they were like:
Creature — European Explorer Human: Can we crash on your couch?
Creature — Native American Warrior Human: Sure, but don’t mess it up- it’s a freaking family heirloom.
The next day…
NA: Whoa bro, where’s our couch?!!?!!
EU: We sold it on craigslist.
NA: That was our favorite couch.
EU: Don’t worry bro! We needed the space to make room for our eBay business.
NA: You don’t even have an eBay business; it won’t be invented for like a billion years!
EU: Maybe we don’t got one yet, but have you ever heard of drop shipping?
The Native American dudes were pissed. They called their friends and totally battled the white dudes. The ones that were left alive were like, “Dudes… We’re totally still alive,” and happy to be alive, they decided to have a meal in honor of the occasion. They called it “Bros, We Are So Thankful to Not Be Dead that We Are Totally Going to Get Together Every Year and Eat Food While Giving Up Couches and the Internet for a Day… Day.” Later, they shortened the name to Totally Not Dead Day. And that’s why today we have Thanksgiving. Cool!
That’s all good and fun, but most people aren’t aware that Goblins celebrate Thanksgiving too. Their story is very similar to ours. Goblins used to live in a country far away across the ocean called Kjeldor. The ruler of the land was this gnarly dude named Darien, King of Kjeldor. He was a fairly awesome ruler because he let the goblins perform their totally metal sonic art.
However, the king appointed this advisor, Commander Eesha, an uptight, flying-high bird chick whom didn’t appreciate heavy metal at all. Eesha convinced the king to outlaw heavy metal and to hire a snobby Devout Harpist to play some super lame Angelsongs all day. Naturally, this music just led to a Goblin Bomb waiting to go off; a million Goblin Grenades can only lead to a Fiery Conclusion of totally wicked proportions.
Sensing the tension in the Goblin Warrens, Eesha hired Tivadar of Thorn to crusade against the little green men (affectionately known now as Tivadars Crusade for Totally Un-Metal Reasons) to rid the country of Goblins once and for all. At this point, most historians believe that the Goblins fled Kjeldor to escape un-metal persecution. But of course they are totally wrong- Goblins are freaking Goblins! They will dominate, burninate, and still be home in time to rip out some sweet solos on their guitars. In reality, they totally Obliterated the kingdom and then rocked all night long.
But after the Goblin-induced Savage Beating, a problem arose- there was no one left to run the concession stands! What good were metal concerts without snacks and commemorative t-shirts?! They packed up their band equipment and left the Wasteland for greener shores, all the way across the ocean to Llanowar. Their boat was a very metal choice mind you:
The Goblins quickly realized (well, it was quickly for Goblins) the new land was bountiful and plenty. They were no lame noise ordinances, and there was always enough parking at the concert Arenas. However, there were already some bros and broettes living on the land, the Elves. Goblins and Elves didn’t get along very well, mainly because Elves listened to Faerie flute music like Elvish Piper‘s thirty-eighth concerto; a surefire disaster would befall the two tribes if an Elvish ensemble attempted to open for a Goblin band.
However, a visionary Goblin named Wort, Boggart Auntie decided make peace through the tribes. This rad mama knew that one day metal would rule the world, so Goblins might as well let Elves have their flutes for the time being. The Elvish youth would eventually be like, “Flutes are lame- time to rock!” (Speaking of lame music, my mom still listens to Jethro Tull, while I’m like totally trying to get her to see the beauty in And Justice for All. Come on mom, stop embarrassing me!)
For peaceful relations, Wort sent Festering Goblin over to deliver some blankets to the Elves. The dirty Gobbo blankets had Pox all over them, and since the Elves didn’t have the Goblin immune system, the Llanowar Knight was like:
“Holy Hellcarver Demon, bro! Those are like killer blankets!”
And Festering Goblin replied, “Thanks bro! That killer pattern was my brother’s idea. He calls it the Blankets that Babes Totally Dig with Skulls Collection.”
So the Knight had to set Fester straight by telling him, “No, I mean really killer. Like a Contagion Engine of blankets!”
And then everyone died, even the little Fester! As the Goblin took his last breath, his rank smell infected the village’s Llanowar Druid. All the Elves were totally pissed off and were like, “What the Hellfire bro!?” It turned out that Druids are pretty important to the Elves, though I’m not sure why. Druid comes from the Greek word Drew (that kid down the street whom stole my bike, the stupid jerk), and Id (the word It, except with a Creole accent- “That ain’t gumbo! Id be jambalaya!”). I guess Elves really like Cajun food; things make more sense now.
The Elves got to together and totally fought the Goblins. The war was pretty much the biggest war on the planet. The battle was like cranking volume on the albums And Justice for All, Paranoid, Seasons in the Abyss, Rust in Peace, Back in Black, Number of the Beast, Appetite for Destruction, Ace of Spades, Among the Living, Kings of Metal (though we are not sure why), Shout at the Devil… (Editor’s Note: the list goes on for quite a while, basically including every metal album ever made. MTGO Academy would like to return you to your regularly scheduled article, but you can type “metal band albums” into Google if you want to research the full list.) …all at the same time!!! Elspeth Tirel even heard the fighting all the way across the sea. She summoned some soldiers to investigate, but when they took off their helmets, they all pretty much looked like Faramir from Lord of the Rings. Rethinking her decision, she told the soldiers they have more important duties back in the homeland.
And whoa, Elves and Goblins were totally slayed everywhere! Even Wort, Boggart Auntie was dead! One of the surviving Goblins, Wort, the Raidmother decided to become commander of the remaining forces. Did you know that half the Goblin population has names like Wort, Squee, or Mogg? I tried to name the cat Wort once… but mom told me the name is Whiskers St. Frisk Mewly Pettington III and that’s final. What a bummer. At least I got to name our dog Beast. (He’s a miniature Schnauzer.)
As the commander, Wort, the Raidmother pretty much knew that everyone would be dead if the fighting continued; she needed a way to unite the land. There had to something so ideologically powerful and profound that everyone would live together. What force could bring people of all different races together? Heavy metal, of course! Luckily enough, this old eighties metal hair band bassist was in town:
Sensing the opportunity, Wort quested to make the ultimate metal band. Metal bands need a solid drummer, but Sarkhie’s first suggestion, Lars Ulrich, was still crying over file sharing (don’t worry, bro, I stopped downloading you like forever ago)! She went to the mountains for Koth of the Hammer. Luckily enough, the best guitar player in the world was also there, Chandra Nalaar. She really ripped solos so fast that Wort had to rechristen her (as Nalaar is not rad enough for one who shreds). Now she is simply Chandra Ablaze. Rock on!
Of course metal is nothing without rough singer. Unfortunately, the remaining Elves only had a bunch of flute playing folk singers like Elvish Lyrist. In spite of this, Wort was wise enough to know the only way metal would truly unite the people is to cross the cultural divide and go to the Forests. Hopefully there would be something, anything, not too flutey. And boy was she amazed to find this sick, sick dude:
Now that’s a pretty brutal looking dude, if you ask me. He may not be a Goblin or a mountain, but isn’t that the true spirit of the Thanksgiving- Elves, Goblins, bodacious babes and burly men listening to metal together? Of course it is, and in the name of thanks, there was an epic metal concert that day. Elves and Goblins rocked hard. All of the land was so thankful to have real metal, and the first Goblin (and I guess Elf) Thanksgiving was created that day. They even devoured a delicious meal, but Goblins don’t really eat turkey. They eat freaking Dragons! If you can imagine a lame Human Thanksgiving, this is what a Goblin Thanksgiving counterpart meal would be:
Voracious Dragon — The Turkey
Gluttonous Slime — Some Cranberry Sauce
Mycoloth — The Stuffing That Never Ends
Skullmulcher — A Tasty Potato
Crazy right? Nah, it was awesome! Too bad that after concert ended, they immediately started banging heads again. The Goblins eventually won, but the Elves now run Goblin Games and take all of their money. Luckily, the whole experience can be nicely summed up with my totally metal Commander deck- check it!
Wort's Metal Thanksgiving
This Commander deck with Wort, the Raidmother is to commemorate the first Goblin and Elf Thanksgiving. It makes so much sense- when you play a creature with devour, all the goblins on the board eat the creature! It’s pretty freaking awesome! Sometimes, other players will tell you that you can’t do that, but do it anyway. They usually give up their argument when I make the wicked Goblin devouring noises. Sometimes they are so scared of the thought of Goblins eating anything and everything that they concede!
One major bummer that I noticed: pretty much the only way to have this deck work is assembling all the planeswalkers in the beginning of the game. The Goblins will totally attack the Elves without the band playing. For example, when I played a game of Commander, I had a bunch of Elves out. Then, I played Siege-Gang Commander and he totally started blowing away my Elves. I’m pretty sure if you ask the other players to start the game with all your planeswalkers in play, they will be cool with it. When the band is playing, this deck totally wins every time! But as it stood, all of my opponents conceded in fear. I would too if I were them, Goblin Thanksgiving is totally intense!
Well, mom says that it’s bed time because we gotta cook some lame turkey tomorrow. Maybe I can convince her to make lame Thanksgiving a tad more metal this year- I wanna eat some freaking Dragon!