Meathook’s Metal Guide to Drafting Zendikar

What’s up bros and broette’s? It’s that time where Meathook (that’s me) gives you his sagely advice about drafting a completely metal deck. You’ll make a deck so metal your eyes will bleed, along with your hands, and feet. Or is that stigmata? Either way blood is way metal and by metal standards stigmata is pretty well… metal. By now you are probably wondering why I’m calling attention to blood. Because blood my friend is totally how metal Magic has become with the Zendikar block.

Vampires:

I know exactly what you are thinking! Vampires are pretty lame. They sparkle in the daylight and brood all day. True metal people have no feelings, nor should they ever talk about them! Vampires today whine to their mothers about their girlfriends, that’s like opposite of a truly metal lifestyle. A true metal lifestyle would be flipping off your mother while making out with your girlfriend that might be a man. Not that I ever have done that. But when I’m the next metal god, I’ll totally do that every day! Sometimes even twice! For now, I have a bass string and I practice every day. Except when my mom interrupts, I’m like, “Mom! We are too metal for cookies!” Really no one is too metal for cookies, but I have to keep appearances up!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Check out this card:

That guy is the single most important card you should pick in a draft! I mean, look at him! He is totally metal! He is going to cut a fool! Do you see him glittering? He is so metal, he probably ate both his girlfriend and his mom. He has to play lead guitar! He would rip out solos and stab anyone who tried to mess with him! I don’t know any deck that could ever beat him! He’s almost as awesome as Extractor Demon but very few are that awesome.

So what’s the rule of drafting Zendikar? Pick Blood Seeker. You will be guaranteed to have the most metal deck! I don’t care if there are fifty Jace, The Mind Sculptors! Jace doesn’t really compare. Take a look at them side by side:

  1. Blood Seeker looks cooler!

Blood Seeker:

Evil Grin: Ready to cut a fool!

Dagger: Doesn’t care about pain.


Tattoos: What crazy mofo doesn’t have tattoos?

Jace:

Young Face: Looks like my brother

Force Lightning: Darth Vader chucked that in the eighties!

Blue Hoodie: A blue hoodie? Come on! Really?!

  1. Jace can’t make up his mind.

Blood Seeker:

Cuts a fool: Every time! All the time!

Wants Blood: Very metal.

Jace:

Does like card, library, hand stuff: What!?

Wants what!?! Dude I don’t even know what he wants. It’s like my mom. I clean my room but then she wants me to take off my muddy shoes! It’s like PICK ONE! Don’t confuse me!


  1. Blood Seeker would be in a metal band.

Blood Seeker:

Audition: If he showed up to my audition, he would be in the band. He wouldn’t even need to play.

Playability: Metal stabs into the heart. Just like this guy.


Jace:

Audition: He looks kind of like he is playing an accordion. There are no accordions in metal, no exceptions!

Playability: That many options are probably synthesizers! No synthesizers in metal, no exceptions!


“Metaling” The Deck:

You are drafting and you got your Blood Seeker. The other players should quit now because you have the most metal card. However the reality is that they don’t quit. Even though heavy metal has survived against every genre (ask Tenacious D, they know what I’m talking about), people still try to take it out. You’ll have to finish picking the cards. I know with that timer counting down picking cards can be a lot of pressure. But like, chill out man! Pick metal and you’ll always have the metalest deck in existence. Although one time I feel asleep while drafting, I got a plains. They are not metal. Never get a plains, ever!

White cards aren’t metal. Take Deathless Angel for example. How can that card be metal at all? Metal is all about death! Take the death out and you have life metal? How can life metal be very effective! Take a look at these lyrics I wrote:

Satan is coming

He will kick you in the shins

Then he will laugh and grin

Satan is coming

He will poop in your living room

Doom and Gloom! Doom and Gloom!

Now imagine those lyrics with “life” metal:

Satan is coming

He thinks you are doing good in school

He told me that money for college is cool!

Satan is coming

The Deathless Angel prevents death

Don’t do Crystal Meth!

Stay in school!

I don’t find White cards to be useful at all for any sort of metal drafting. Take Baneslayer Angel for example, the card may sound completely metal. However, Baneslayer Angel is like a chick with a sword. Trust me dudes, you don’t want chicks with swords chasing after you! I’ve had it happen to me once.

I know what you are thinking, a chick with a sword! How can you go wrong? The keyword is Angel. They try to make the card sound really cool by adding the words Baneslayer. Normally a word like Baneslayer is totally metal but in this card angel is anything but metal. Angels are for churches, and to be truly metal, the holy water from churches should hiss and evaporate the moment it hits your skin. My mom tells me that will never happen. But she’ll be pretty surprised one day when I go to church on Sundays and the holy water dish totally explodes.

If you can have white cards, then what can make your deck more metal? Black and Red cards (we all know that red has goblins and every deck should have goblins). Though sometimes Green if they are metal enough. You have to be careful with Blue, they may look metal but they might be like Jace, the Mind Sculptor and just be confusing.

“Metal” Choices:

Drafting in Zendikar might have some tempting choices that may not be the metalest option. The Eldrazi are pretty tough choices. Let’s take a look at a few:

Now let’s examine their strengths and weaknesses. Kozilek looks like a butt, Emrakul the stuff that comes out of a butt, and Artisan is fighting the stuff that comes from a butt. Artisan also has a stupid name so that’s two points missing. Whereas Demonic Appetite is pretty metal! Almost more metal then Tim Curry in the movie Legend, but very few have the honor of being that metal. Except Slayer, they are arguably the most metal. I’m sure they have meetings to discuss the metalest options for album names. Like one guy says, “We need something that’s not heaven.” Then another guy is like, “How about South of Heaven?” Then the first guy is like, “That’s way metal dude!” They high five and wail on air guitars. Anyway back to drafting.

Demonic Appetite is pretty awesome and you should pick that card. You got Blood Seeker as your lead guitarist. Demonic Appetite is pretty beefy and crazy looking so he probably plays bass (trust me I know, I have a bass string). Now you need a drummer. Probably one of those Eldrazi plays drums. With all those tentacles they could do a wicked drum solo. But the Eldrazi probably play is some weak gothic HP Lovecraft themed band.

The two criteria for picking Eldrazi are: find one that doesn’t look like a butt or anything that comes from a butt. Find one that is dying to get out of the HP Lovecraft band and into metal. Sometimes musicians have to play what they don’t like in order to get into what they do like. That’s why I auditioned for Guys and Dolls and nothing more.

I think we found the drummer. Enough limbs for a wicked solo, low tentacle count, and not so butt-like. Perfect for any draft. He also probably has a secret desire to play heavy metal, like Justin Timberlake. I’m sure that guy would play metal if his mother let him. Sometimes moms get in the way of metal. But don’t let that discourage you, young budding metallers of the world.

Goblins:

Cool, so you have guitar, bass, and drums. Now all you need is a singer. Luckily enough the Zendikar block has some awesome cards that everyone should have in every deck. Not having a card like this in your deck is like saying, “look at me, I’m an idiot.” That’s right my friends, the only cards you’ll ever need are goblins. They are naturally far superior to like fifty Emrakul’s, five thousand Baneslayer Angels, and ten thousand Jace, the Mind Sculptors. Pick goblins every time you see them naturally, but on Zendikar there is one goblin you should pick above all others: Goblin Roughrider.

First of all, Goblin Roughrider is like a crazy-monster riding goblin. That’s rad! Second, he can take anybody, even other goblins. Let’s say you can pick a Warren Instigator or a Goblin Roughrider. Do you want one that looks kind of weak on the goblin scale or completely crazy beast riding goblin! I think the answer is clear. The third reason is metal is naturally tough, you need to be tough, like Metallica. They never complain and endure the long hard life of a heavy metaller. A roughrider sounds pretty tough to me.

Now what if you have a choice to pick one of the other cards, like Blood Seeker, or a goblin? That’s a really tough choice man. An awesome band or goblins. I think you’ll have to pick the goblin. A deck entirely composed of goblin Rough Riders would still make a sweet band. In fact goblins are all you’ll ever need. If you do get lucky enough to choose all goblins, do it! You can never go wrong with goblins. But the world is not perfect and you’ll more than likely need to choose other cards during a draft.

Conculsion:

You have the band ready, but not any instruments. Unfortunately, Zendikar never reprinted the best equipment ever made, the Bone Saw. All guitarists should call their ax the Bone Saw. I wish Bone Saw would be reprinted in every set. The sad truth is you’ll need to find new equipment for the band. One equipment you should never pick under any circumstance, even if you are forced to pick it, is the Basilisk Collar. A spiked collar is not metal. Go back to the HP Lovecraft band. However, Blade of the Bloodchief makes an excellent guitar, Hammer of Ruin: an awesome drumstick, Ogres Cleaver is for the bass, and finally the singer needs no equipment. Remember goblins are quite awesome on their own. But if you must have something for the singer, a Grappling Hook makes an excellent stage prop. That’s all for now. On a parting note, after you have the deck, pick a whole bunch Mountains and Swamps. You’ll need those to cast goblin cards. And don’t pick any lame gothic vampire cards like this guy:

Take your Crow makeup elsewhere buddy!

Yours despicably,

Meathook

 
  1. That made me lol several times. But it was way too much Metal…must put on some Air Supply.

  2. this article title was greatly misleading since I thought it would actually be useful drafting tips, but instead is…not.

    nonetheless, it was funny to read and you can still learn to draft zendikar if you do the opposite of what the article says!

    also, I thought metal meant artifacts when just reading the title. really such a confusing title!

  3. Not really sure the on the point of this article.
    And the word metal has lost all meaning, it just got abused…

  4. Honestly, the title should warn the reader that this is satirical. It took me a bit to figure it out but I enjoyed the ride.

  5. For my two cents I’ll add that I didn’t laugh at all and just lost interest after the Jace comparison, skimming the article for ‘fun’…but there was none to be had for me =/

    I agree with oma, because even though it’s filed under ‘casual and fun’, it’s tagged as ‘drafting’. I don’t think losing is fun, no matter how casual you are.

  6. Maybe a satire tag for articles purely for laughs? I’ve been writing comedy long enough to know that not everyone shares the same sense of humor. For those that enjoyed the comedy I’m to make you laugh! For those that didn’t it’s cool too.

  7. Ignore them Aaron; I also didn’t know the article wasn’t satirical, and for a moment I was confused, but then I started laughing and enjoyed the whole article because you went all the way with it and didn’t really warn the reader what the hell they were in for. Not to mention, warning people is not metal. That’s what moms do, and moms are NOT metal, unless you’re talking about Mother of Satan, which is actually an explosive compound, not a real mom. So in other words, no moms are metal unless they explode. BTW, you might get some more annoyed comments from overly serious players. I googled this article to prepare for an MTGO ZEN flashback draft happening later today. Stay funny!
    -Feeling

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