On November 8th two warring factions will battle for supremacy, and if the wrong side wins, it could mean complete planar annihilation! No, it’s not the next Magic set, it’s the US presidential election! While your vote may not count (unless you live in Florida or Ohio), you can recreate the excitement of this contest of titans at your kitchen table with Two Jesses’ Duel Decks: Trump vs. Clinton!
Make EDH Great Again by Jesse K
Jesse K: I went with Numot, the Devastator as my stand in for Trump, and the similarities are more than orange-skin-deep. Numot is red, white, and blue. He wants to attack. He loves destroying foreign lands. He’s even got an almost Trumpian hairdo. Another close consideration was Child of Alara, since it’s a giant baby that wants to blow everything up, but I digress. Now let me whisk you away to a world where all your cards are perfect 10’s and everything is foil (except basic lands, which are all gurus).
Building the Wall
We’ll start with the core campaign promise that catapulted Trump to the national stage. Building that wall! We’ve got a selection of Magic’s finest walls to secure your border and make sure the game goes long enough for your commander to do his damage. For perfect flavor, I recommend attempting to get your opponent to pay for them.
There aren’t actually all that many non-wall creatures in the Trump deck, and that’s by design. Without the commander himself, none of this really functions and it’s almost impossible to win. Still, it wouldn’t feel right to not include his most important ally, Anger. It’s also the card in the deck that most resembles our man.
His hands are big and beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with these options for removal or card filtering, and there’s no problem anywhere else either.
Our commander already has a theme of land destruction, so I thought it would only make sense to supplement this with a handful of flavorful spells that double as descriptions of what will likely happen to America in the result of a Trump presidency. Impending Disaster? Decree of Annihilation? Catastrophe? It’s like I’m reading a newspaper from the future! Furthermore these land destruction spells work well with the sub-theme of resource denial (Propaganda, Ghostly Prison, War Tax). Take away their ability to pay, then punish them for it. Doesn’t it feel good to be a Republican?
When our opponents summon creatures, they’re bringing abilities, they’re bringing triggers, they’re demons. Some, I’m sure, are probably good creatures. We can’t let little things like empathy, decency, or common sense get in our way, that would be totally against theme. This deck deals with creatures by sending them back to wherever they came from, and makes it harder for them to make it into play.
One of the defining features of the Trump candidacy has been the racism, both implied and explicit. On top of drawing from Magic’s significant history of appropriately named cards, we’re also making use of anything that makes things worse for non-white creatures. This seems like as good of a time as any to remind you to never, ever vote for Donald Trump.
Remind me why we can’t use the nukes again? In this Donald Trump theme deck, you can and should! Highlights include a copy of Might Makes Right that is almost always impotent in our deck.
Prime Real Estate
I tried to pick out only lands that Donald Trump would approve of, which means no beautiful natural features, but lots of towers. Also acceptable: military buildings and signs of the devastation he has wrought. There’s also a minor land theft theme, because of course there is.
Riches and Treasure
Did you know that with this deck you can always start with a Turn one Sol Ring? If your opponents complain, just remind them that it’s a small loan from your father, and really you would’ve been fine without it. The Trump deck gets ahead on mana (and in the world) with a variety of expensive sounding trinkets and baubles. Diamonds? In. Signets? Sounds too foreign, no thanks.
Magic and Donald Trump have something in common; they haven’t paid a cumulative upkeep since the Ice Age. With business skills like ‘taking things you didn’t pay for’ and ‘bullying’ you’re sure to succeed in any multiplayer game. I can’t stress enough that the proper way to play this deck is to cheat on costs constantly, to ensure you have no trouble getting to the requisite 8 and 9 drops.
And a Trick up the Sleeve
It just wouldn’t be a Donald Trump deck if we played fair, would it? While I admit that Mox Lotus is a ludicrously expensive and impractical choice for this deck, it’s also the yugest and classiest artifact I can imagine. And if you somehow get it into play (I recommend not paying for it) you can combo it with War Tax, and none of your opponent’s creatures can ever attack again! An endless war that it’s impossible to pay for? Where have I heard that before? The cherry on this flavor Sundae is the fact that it’s the 100th card in the deck. Of course The Donald wouldn’t be content with 99, it’s gotta be bigger than everyone else’s.
Commander-in-Chief by Jesse T
Jesse T: She may not be the hero we wanted, but she’s the hero we’ve got. Soon America will have it’s first she-president, which apparently means that in another 8 years we can look forward to watching a debate featuring two men avoiding questions about whether women’s lives matter. That’s why my general is another strong female leader, the Sliver Queen.
Children & Families
Does the original Mother of Runes bear a certain resemblance, or is it just me? Like American folk hero Vito Corleone, Hillary Clinton’s first priority throughout her political career has always been family. My deck theoretically pumps out an army of slivers, and offers them a little bit of protection, if you get my drift.
Slivers may love to share like communists at the unemployment office, but some are better at it than others. I hate it when I need to draw my Might Sliver, and instead I topdeck the one that forgives all my slivers’ student loan debt. Two thirds of my slivers don’t even have a college degree! The working class needs +2/+2, clothes, and shelter.
A Lifetime of Experience
Of the two candidates running, Clinton is certainly the one with job qualifications of any kind whatsoever. Prior to being Secretary of State and a US Senator, she practiced law in Arkansas. This is where Accumulated Knowledge would also go if it were playable in EDH.
Like any professional politician, Clinton takes on whatever form she needs to get ahead. Family is her top priority… as long as your family doesn’t live in a country we’re bombing. She’ll regulate banks and corporations… unless they’re contributing to her presidential campaign. Who knows what’s going to happen once she’s in the White House? I’ve never met the woman. I just write about Magic cards on the Internet.
Do I smell a Magma Sliver, or is that the hot sauce in your purse? Clinton has often been accused of pandering to Black voters, but displaying utter disregard is probably much more accurate. She must be the only person who regrets using the word ‘predator’ more than Wizards of the Coast circa 2013.
Lesser of Two Evils
That lifetime of experience doesn’t come without a catch. Clinton’s supported coups in Latin America, Zionism in Israel, and tougher law enforcement policies against people in her own country. Her track record is almost as bad as the things Trump actively promises to do if elected.
Those poor emails! Won’t somebody please think of the emails! Their bravery in Benghazi won’t be forgotten, although to be honest, I have a lot more respect for emails that don’t get deleted.
Candidate of the Status Quo
Bernie couldn’t stop her. The Green party never stood a chance. All you dope-smoking green mages and counterspell nerds apparently didn’t get the memo. This is a two party system: A, B, C ya later. Let’s make America about the same again!
America’s Top Diplomat
As a lifelong politician and a cunning adversary, Clinton has shown a commendable degree of patience and restraint with the inept circus of petulant children that is her competition. Hasn’t she proven her worth? Doesn’t she deserve to have a real debate against someone who knows what they’re talking about? Just keeping a straight face throughout most of the election has been an act of diplomacy on her part.
The Only Real Choice
A decision between Trump and Clinton isn’t a real decision. We’re all obviously voting for the normal, competent person who isn’t threatening to put Muslims in concentration camps or whatever. Nothing’s going to stop global warming from purifying the earth in an apocalyptic deluge, but at this rate, we might be able to get the liberal government to spring for some life rafts. I’m not particularly excited, but with Hillary Clinton, there’s a sliver of hope!
Thanks for reading, folks! If there were any obvious jokes we forgot to make, feel free to mention them below. Be sure to come back in two weeks for our review of Kaladesh if the US hasn’t devolved into civil war by then.
You can find Two Jesses on Twitter @TwoJesses.